You know, I’ve had this post set as private for so long because “dear jebus, people who don’t know or give a fuck about me can’t know this is how i think” (the handful of people who do, don’t give me shit, you know this is how i am) but you know what, i don’t care. I let that shit go. Just letting go man and trying to enjoy the ride. So with that…..
Sometimes I swear I just want to fucking kill myself. I’ve thought this way ever since I remember, well like 13-14 somewhere around there. I don’t really remember too much from before I was 12 which is weird and upsets my mom because she thinks that makes her a bad mother. I fuck with her and say it must have been so traumatic I blocked it out but I don’t think that’s the truth.
So anyway, suicide huh, like I’m going to start a joke but it’s going to end really badly. I don’t know about anyone else but everything has always seemed so stupid and pointless to me. Like here, “Go to school so you can get a job and pay bills FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE”. Why? What the fuck is the point of that? Why do I want to do that? I don’t! I also don’t want to be homeless and I’m not healthy enough(EDS bitches. but really, who cares.) or knowledgeable enough to live off the land so my options are go to work and pay bills or kill myself. I don’t know how many more years I want to pay bills.
So here’s the real fucking kicker, I went ahead and had a child. Are you fucking kidding me man? Me, who says I should sue my parents for having me as I did not consent to this bullshit, had a fucking child. And you know what, he’s just like me, I can see it. He’s depressive and his joints, I hear and see them do the same thing as mine so he’s going to be totally fucked but by the time he’s an adult the world will be exponentially worse. Income inequality, societal and or economic collapse, only rich or poor and guess what, you’ll be poor. That’s it, fucking debt slaves for the rich in a toxic wasteland that we all willingly created along the way for that big house, new T.V, phone, cheap clothes and shiny car all the while the shackles were being locked around our legs and we smiled when approved financing for a kitchen remodel. Fucking sick.
So I don’t understand anyone who doesn’t want to kill themselves. What kind of sick fuck wants to be part of this? Oh find the joy, find things you like, create your own meaning. Your joy of whatever you do is just part of the cycle of consuming shit and you’re still a puppet you just don’t think so because you found “meaning” but your meaning doesn’t change the underlying, systemic, planned and executed atrocities everyday in order to maintain the current systems of power. That will never change. This isn’t an educational post though so i’ll stop there.
I don’t mean to go off on a crazy man rant but that’s just pretty much how I feel about society and I often don’t want to be part of it. I could go on about money, the point of it, the lack of it, the abundance of it and really, the nothingness of it. How a digital credit created from thin air rules and values our lives but I won’t though I kind of just did. It’s draining and I’m tired enough already. Couple the realities of the world, life long depression with my physical health and I’m fairly certain that a hole in the head is an eventuality.
I guess that’s really it, need to get to work so I can pay my bills. I’m trying to wait until my son is an adult, I really don’t want to fuck him up any more than being alive already does.
-Disclaimer: Don’t fucking kill yourself because you read this. That’s weak. Find your own reasons.