Nothing. There is not a single thing that I want to do. No scratch that, there are plenty of things I want to do but i kind of just stare out into space instead of doing anything. I want to write but can’t think of a single to say so i stare. Its almost like im not here. Dead, i’m fucking dead inside. I think life won and crushed me. Just motions, robotic motions until one day it’s all over. It’s so fucking sad. I mean I’ve been at least mildly depressed since I was 14 but this now, fuck. I don’t even know if I have emotions; i sit in my office 5 days a week, 9-5 and stare.
How’d it get to this? I think the condition of my physical body contributes to a large degree. Constant pain makes everything and i mean everything so much worse than it is. example: waking up in the morning sucks. waking up in the morning with half of your joints subluxated sucks much more. So mornings are horrible and painful and takes about 45 minutes until I can start getting my shit together, argue with my son about school and then go sit in my specially ordered $500 chair and spend the following 8 hours putting my knees and hips back into place. Then I go home which by then i’m so drained (being in constant pain takes a lot of fucking energy, try it) that all i want to do is rip off the clown clothes i wear to work and do or whatever it is that makes me feel slightly better (things that make me feel better vary- sometimes lay down, others well, lay down more, sometimes drink, sometimes things i wont mention though this really the equivalent just not specific). Then argue with my son about going to bed and fuck this, i’m done.